Friday, 12/26/08: "Make a Joyful Noise. Or Not."

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/26/opinion/26fri4.html?_r=1&ref=opinion

It's Christmas! (Printed the day after Christmas.)

Thursday, 12/11/08: "A Curious Convergence"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/11/opinion/11thu4.html?ref=opinion

Verlyn Klinkenborg is so high right now.

Sunday, 11/30/08: "Noticing Elsewhere"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/30/opinion/30sun4.html?_r=1

Verlyn Klinkenborg went to Wyoming, and he didn't see too many people, but he saw a car on fire, but luckily everyone was O.K.!

Sunday, 11/16/08: "From Penobscot Bay to Casco Bay"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/16/opinion/16sun2.html?_r=1

Verlyn Klinkenborg got to ride in an actual airplane! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sunday, 11/9/08: "Still Life"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/09/opinion/09sun4.html?_r=1&ref=todayspaper&oref=slogin

Verlyn Klinkenborg feels like he's in a Rembrandt etching.

Sunday, 10/26/08: "The 'If Only' Train"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/26/opinion/26sun4.html?th&emc=th

Verlyn Klinkenborg: "Time travel is so confusing."

Sunday, 10/19/08: "Shelter from the Storm"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/opinion/19sun4.html

Verlyn Klinkenborg went to Wyoming last week, but he didn't gamble!

Wednesday, 10/8/08: "This Human Season"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/08/opinion/08wed4.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

Verlyn Klinkenborg is surprised by nature.

Sunday, 9/21/08: "Two Silences"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/21/opinion/21sun4.html?scp=3&sq=verlyn%20klinkenborg&st=cse

Verlyn Klinkenborg is in Finland. It's so quiet!

Sunday, 9/7/08: "Horse Map"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/07/opinion/07sun4.html?scp=6&sq=verlyn%20klinkenborg&st=cse

Verlyn Klinkenborg's horses are really good at remembering.

Tuesday, 9/2/08: "The Virtuosity in the Flight of Tennis Balls"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/02/opinion/02tue4.html?scp=2&sq=verlyn+klinkenborg&st=nyt

Taking a walk through Flushing Meadows (?!), Verlyn Klinkenborg finds it "impossible not to wonder: Who can lay his hands on just the right wrench in that auto shop? Who frequents that alley? Who has that lumber inventory stored away inside his mind? Who are the experts in the meaning of this place?" Then he thinks about balls.

Friday, 8/30/08: "Last Bat of Morning"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/29/opinion/29fri4.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Verlyn Klinkenborg sees bats! Bats everywhere!

Thursday, 8/21/08: "A Contractual Life"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/21/opinion/21thu4.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Verlyn Klinkenborg thinks back fondly on all the contracts he has signed.

Saturday, 8/16/08: "A Will of their Own"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/17/opinion/17sun4.html

Fall is coming, and Verlyn Klinkenborg is seeing more rabbits than he used to.

Monday, 7/28/09: "Out in the Pasture"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/28/opinion/28mon4.html

Verlyn Klinkenborg was just looking at his pasture, and it's more hilly than he realized.

Tuesday, 7/22/08: "A Secret Society of 30 Million"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/22/opinion/22tue4.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Verlyn Klinkenborg isn't sure how he feels about the Internet.

Friday, 7/18/08: "Summer Wind"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/18/opinion/18fri4.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

It's windy!

Sunday, 7/6/08: "Summer Reading"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opinion/06sun4.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Summer is a great time for Verlyn Klinkenborg to read books.

Klinkenborg Kopykats: Anonymous Editorial, "The Meaning of a Day"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/04/opinion/04fri4.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

Okay, so technically Verlyn Klinkenborg's name isn't attached to this one. But that's got to be an editing error, or else Verlyn has elected to take his name off this column. Don't be shy, Klink! We know it's you! How could it not be?

Summary: It's the Fourth of July.

Notably Klinkenborgian passage:

It is the buoy, or perhaps the cannonade, that marks the beginning of high summer.

The early vegetables in the garden are over, and now is about the time when the lettuce thinks about bolting. The weeds along the lake edge are coming on thick and strong, and the ponds are nearly all covered with a solid mat of green. High summer is the time of black shade in the woods and black underbellies on the thunderheads that seem to billow up out of the muggy afternoons.

Is the word "éclat" used? Yes.

Has Klinkenborg been out-Klinkenborged? No -- this obviously is Verlyn Klinkenborg. You can't fool us, Klink!

The author wishes a happy Fourth of July to this blog's legions of fans.

Tuesday, 6/24/08: "Some Doubts Upon Entering a New Carboniferous Era"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/24/opinion/24tue4.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=verlyn+klinkenborg&st=nyt&oref=slogin

Verlyn Klinkenborg just noticed that people sure are talking a lot about "carbon footprints" nowadays! For example, on the subway, and at Wal-Mart. And that's just two examples!

He would like us to know that he does NOT believe that language alone will solve the problem, he does NOT believe in the effectiveness of carbon offsets, he is NOT a climate-change skeptic, and that there is NOTHING trivial about carbon footprints.

So what does he believe? Well, he'll get to that in another column. (Just kidding.)

Thursday, 6/19/08: "Appreciations -- Cyd Charisse"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/19/opinion/19thu4.html?scp=1&sq=cyd+charisse&st=nyt

Verlyn Klinkenborg appreciates Cyd Charisse. Who among us doesn't? However, I majored in critical studies of cinema, and I still have no idea what he means when he says:

The song is “Dancing in the Dark,” the setting is Central Park, and, as usual, the overlapping illusions are nearly confounding. There they are — two professional dancers, carefully choreographed and rehearsed, playing two professional dancers dancing spontaneously on a soundstage that is meant to be Central Park, and all the while they are feigning an almost reproachful, amorous awareness of each other that conceals the hard-working awareness of two pros on the job. It was Cyd Charisse’s remarkable gift to move through the hall of mirrors that is the American movie musical and never be caught glancing at herself.

Oh well: if it made sense, it wouldn't be Verlyn Klinkenborg.

Sunday, 6/15/08: "Fuel Thoughts"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/opinion/15sun4.html?ref=opinion

Verlyn Klinkenborg just noticed that fuel prices have gone up.

EXTRA -- Special guest post from the author's dad!

Verlyn takes a sailing class and finds New York harbor more confusing than it appears on his map. (If he takes a few more classes, he will learn to call it his “chart.”) He devotes four paragraphs to listing passing watercraft and visible landmarks, and is careful to use the currently fashionable word “pivot.” He then wonders what it must have been like in the old days, when there were even more vessels in the harbor, probably.

Tuesday, 5/20/08: "Sailing the Waters of New York Harbor"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/20/opinion/20tue4.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

Verlyn Klinkenborg took a sailing class!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Thursday, 5/15/08: "Saying Goodbye to Justine Henin"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/15/opinion/15thu4.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

One time, Verlyn Klinkenborg watched a tennis star practice. She looked taller than he expected. He likes her because she is emotional, and he entertains kinky fantasies about "the pleasure of watching her grow into herself" and "the beauty of her extraordinary backhand."

Other Klinkenborg-related news items:

• Has anyone else been following the schizophrenic schedule of his column lately? Two weeks went by without a single column; then in the past two weeks alone it's appeared on Saturday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Does he just write them whenever he feels like it?
• "Saying Goodbye to Justine Henin" would be a good title for a Judy Blume novel, or a Judd Apatow comedy.
  

Wednesday, 5/7/08: "The Cost of Smarts"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/07/opinion/07wed4.html

Verlyn Klinkenborg thinks intelligence might be overrated, and is unnerved by chickens.

Saturday, 5/3/08: "A Swallow in the Hand"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/03/opinion/03sat4.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

There are frogs in Verlyn Klinkenborg's local swamp. Also, he keeps dead birds in his freezer.

Klinkenborg Kopykats: David Brooks, "The Great Escape"

Every now and then, another columnist will run out of ideas and try to jump on Verlyn Klinkenborg's patented schtick. But they rarely get away with it -- few writers can truly capture the elusive Klinkenborgness that makes Verlyn Klinkenborg's columns so uniquely Klinkenborgian. In today's New York Times, noted conservative douchefaggot David Brooks, who couldn't think of anything else to write a column about today, steals the quintessentially Klinkenborgian device of summarizing something he remembers reading a while ago (hereinafter the Summarizing-Something-He-Read Device, or SSHR Device).

Tuesday, 4/22/08, "The Great Escape" by David Brooks

Summary: David Brooks once read an essay about how people viewed the night sky in the Middle Ages. He thinks people must have had big imaginations back then, more than they do now. He speculates that this was "nice." (He's REALLY conservative.)

Notably Klinkenborgian passage:

As many historians have written, Europeans in the Middle Ages lived with an almost childlike emotional intensity. There were stark contrasts between daytime and darkness, between summer heat and winter cold, between misery and exuberance, and good and evil. Certain distinctions were less recognized, namely between the sacred and the profane.

Similar Klinkenborgs: The real Verlyn Klinkenborg frequently relies on the SSHR Device, but the most archetypal example is "White's 'Memorandum,'" which, like a grade-schooler writing a book report, he didn't even bother to give a real title.

10/10/05, "White's 'Memorandum'"

Its opening is classic Klinkenborg:

One of my favorite E. B. White essays is the one called "Memorandum," which he wrote 64 years ago this month. I never understood it until I'd been living on this farm for a while.

Has Klinkenborg been out-Klinkenborged? In this case, no. Brooks deserves credit for coming close, but he makes a few beginner's errors. Most notably, he foolishly makes a tortured attempt to connect his topic to current events, thus sacrificing the sheer irrelevance that is the hallmark of a true Verlyn Klinkenborg column. You can practically hear the screech of the truck driver's gear shift as Brooks suddenly yanks us back into the real world:

Material things were consecrated with spiritual powers. God was thought to live in the stones of the cathedrals, and miracles inhered in the bones of the saints. The world seemed spiritually alive, and the power of spirit could overshadow politics....We tend to see economics and politics as the source of human motives, and then explain spirituality as their byproduct — as Barack Obama tried artlessly to do in San Francisco the other week. But in the Middle Ages, faith came first. The symbols, processions and services were vividly alive.

What a gaffe! The real Verlyn Klinkenborg doesn't even know what year it is (though he is infallibly up to date on the seasons).

Also, Brooks betrays his want of a Klinkenborgian literary background when he misses an opportunity to invoke Robert Frost:

The modern view disenchants the universe, Lewis argued, and tends to make it “all fact and no meaning.” When we say that a star is a huge flaming ball of gas, he wrote, we are merely describing what it is made of. We are not describing what it is.

And then he just goes on, without even alluding to Robert Frost! If Verlyn Klinkenborg had read this column (which he didn't, because he doesn't read the paper), he would have done a spit-take. It goes without saying that he would have used up the rest of the column's word-count by reprinting Frost's poem "Choose Something Like a Star":

O Star (the fairest one in sight),
We grant your loftiness the right
To some obscurity of cloud --
It will not do to say of night,
Since dark is what brings out your light.
Some mystery becomes the proud.
But to be wholly taciturn
In your reserve is not allowed.

Say something to us we can learn
By heart and when alone repeat.
Say something! And it says "I burn."
But say with what degree of heat.
Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade.
Use language we can comprehend.
Tell us what elements you blend.

It gives us strangely little aid,
But does tell something in the end.
And steadfast as Keats' Eremite,
Not even stooping from its sphere,
It asks a little of us here.
It asks of us a certain height,
So when at times the mob is swayed
To carry praise or blame too far,
We may choose something like a star
To stay our minds on and be staid.

In the end, Verlyn Klinkenborg is like the speed of light: you can't truly surpass or even equal him, and the harder you try, the closer we come to the end of the world.

Saturday, 4/19/08: "Your Name in Asphalt"

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/19/opinion/19sat4.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Verlyn Klinkenborg is in Omaha, where there is a freeway named after Gerald Ford. He wonders whether other people think about Gerald Ford when they drive on it, or whether it's just him.